The Princess Bride *****

James (age 6): ***** You know how many stars, Mama. F.I.F.E. Five. I loved the part when she was very scared of the eels. Mama, you want to know what my most most most favorite part was? When that big rat attacked the man in black. Oh, but my MOST one was that nightmarish part. (The torture scene we fast-forwarded over.) Mama, bleeding isn't so scary. Dying is worse.

Jupiter (age 4): ***** It turned out to be a google stars, but when the eels attacked the princess then it went down to 2 stars. But went back up to google stars when it got happy again. It got happy when they got married and went back to their farm. I liked it when the princess married the guy in black and I liked it when the princess was in her dress, the turquoise. And I liked it when the Princess went with the man in black. And, that's all.
And I liked it when she went to the castle and almost got married with the wrong guy.

Justice (age 2) ***** Google stars, it's a secret. Awesome.


Uncle Henry: ***** (Google stars, cause I didn't know you could give google stars.)I have loved this movie for 20 years and now I have been right all along. Great movie!

Aunt Jenn: ***** The torture scene is not for kids! The princess needed a little more--what was that stupid line in Titanic--"Jack! Jack!" where the girl couldn't function or save herself without the help of Jack...?
It was a fun movie.

Popi: My old lady originally rented "Elf" from our over-priced neighborhood rental hut. It sounded good to me, a real life Elf--Will Farrell--ha ha. But then my old lady read online that the elf has to convince a little boy that Santa really exists. In the end, I guess the movie's affirmational, but our kids don't even know there are kids who don't believe in Santa, so back it had to go. In with The Princess Bride. Uncle Henry had recommended it--it seemed like a solid choice. The Princess Bride seems like the definition of a family movie. It leaves everyone a little satisfied, and everyone a little unsatisfied. There's something for grown-ups, something for boys, something for girls. Even old-timers would like Peter Falk. You can read everyone else's response to prove my point. I had seen this movie long ago. If I hadn't seen it I think I would have been a little wowed by it. Everything I laughed at came from adult humor in the dialogue--stuff that went over the kids head. You could tell the filmmakers were having fun with the oversized rodents. They could have made those rats scary, but they looked campy instead. It was clearly a man in a rat suit with fur glued on. The visual gag of Andre the Giant climbing that rope was hilarious. The kids took it as dead-on fact. But how else do you get people to believe a love story except to disarm them?

Mama: ***** I found this movie a sheer delight. Truly, I think I liked it more than the kids did. The adults in the room--myself, Adam, Aunt Jenn and Uncle Henry, kept laughing together at funny lines, delivered with dead-pan irony. Inigo Montoya's vendetta is the cutest vendetta I've ever seen, and the Man in Black manages to be dashing and comic at the same time. Later, I found myself looking Cary Elwes up on the IMDB and wondering why he never reached Leonardo DiCaprio status. Even Buttercup, played by Sean Penn's bride, Robin Wright Penn, looks like she has the mettle to be a stronger Princess than she was (though the script, so delightful everywhere else, leaves her with little to work with.) Here's the rub though. The kids, though they remained engrossed with the movie on a completely literal level--even shuddering when the giant eels attacked Princess Buttercup--were ultimately not as taken as we were. Sure it was a five star movie. But the truth came out the next morning when the kids all asked to watch a DVD of 1,000 Popeye the Sailor Man episodes, instead of The Princess Bride. I was so disappointed.

A note on princesses: I should start a new rating system for princesses. Like a powerful princess of the Cornelia Funke variety gets five stars and an insipid, cloying, wimpy princess of the pathetic variety (Disney's Cinderella) gets one star. Buttercup, like Jasmine, would be a two-star Princess.

Now all I have to do is distract James from wanting to watch Elf next week. Maybe with Iron Man? For some reason, I feel machine guns and flame-throwers are more acceptable kid fare than introducing to my sweet, believing children the idea that there are some kids out there who don't believe in Santa Claus.

Elf (coming soon, with guest critics, Aunt Jenn and Uncle Henry)

Elf was temporarily canceled on this movie blog, until the Johnson kids have been exposed, at some future date, to kids who don't believe in Santa Claus.

The Tale of Despereaux (12/21 matinee) ** 1/2

James: ***I liked it. You know what the meanest part was? When the Princess said to Meg, "You look ridiculous. You look ridiculous."

Jupiter: * I didn't like it. I didn't like when the queen died.

Justice: (In the movie theatre) I want to go. I don't like this movie. I want to go.

Grandma Pat: *** I give it more stars for the graphics. The details on the fabrics and the cloth were amazing. But I just don't get this loving rats and mice thing. I thought the scenes with the racing rats descending on the food were really...gross. There was only one rat that you could really care about and it was Dustin Hoffman. The rest of them were really gross. I found it interesting that the princess's hero was an itty-bitty mouse. He embodied what a knight should be, but he could barely fit on the palm of her hand.

Mama: *** Lovely animation, a fairy tale world, and a theme that ill-treatment leads one to treat others poorly, this was a sweet--if uninteresting--movie. The textures were often lush and Desperaux the mouse was cute and full of heart. And it's always fun to see how mice and rats use the discarded items of our world, forks and buttons etc. to build their little cities. I also liked the way mice were expected to have an inherited identity that demanded they scurry and cower. "There's so many things in this world to be afraid of," his principal says to Desperaux. "You just need to find them." Funny though, how the mouse, to be heroic, must rise above his culture, and the rat, to be civilized, must rise above rat culture. The humans on the other hand--their flawed hierarchal, misogynistic fairy tale culture is never called into question. In fact, the happy ending for Miggery Sow was to embrace her lower station.
The thing is, Mr. Reedy is reading this book to James and his class, and for two weeks James has been coming home every day narrating to me what happened to Desperaux today. I was honestly expecting something a little darker, with the one-eared rat teaching Despereaux to be a torturer, because he'd been tortured himself. I've been curious how the mouse James has been telling me about turns out to be the cute hero on the front of the movie posters. When we got home from the movie James asked me, "But where was the one-eared rat?" I think he was expecting a rated PG movie and Despereaux the mouse had the P taken out of him.
This worked just fine as something to do on a cold, rainy day during Winter Break.

Home Alone **** 1/2

James: (age six) *****It was good. It wasn't really funny. It was so not scary. Five stars.

Jupiter: (age four) ***** (Google stars) It was funny when the robbers were getting hurt!

Justice (age two) ***** (How did you like the movie, Justice?) It's a secret. Google stars.

Grandma Pat: **** Amazing it held the interest of all three little ones--very late at night! The story is still cute after 18+ years.

Mama: **** James was very upset last week when our movie was not Home Alone. Adam had narrated the premise to him, and he was very interested in seeing it. Then this afternoon, knowing Home Alone was scheduled for movie night, he brought up the subject of robbers. He had a lot of questions about them starting with, "Are robbers reality or fantasy?" (they've been discussing the difference between reality and fantasy in school) then inquiring if robbers ever robbed (kidnapped) children. Despite the usual reassurances--that his Popi is the strongest man in the gym and his mama knows jiu-jitsu--he left the table and started googling "robbers." Then, before dinner he announced, instead of watching the movie he wanted to do an art project instead. I finally realized he might have had some anxiety about this movie!
When movie time finally came at 8 o'clock at night, he settled in on Grandma Pat's lap and was mellow throughout the movie, probably because we started so late, and he was very tired. I watched him a lot to try and gauge his reactions, and he smiled here and there. The truth is, despite the whole, admittedly scary premise of abandonment and violation, it wasn't a scary movie at all. It was sweet, sentimental, and at the end, completely funny.
And it was Jupiter who took us by surprise.
When the robbers finally break into Kevin's house and start encountering his carefully choreographed traps, with madcap results, Jupiter started laughing. And laughing and laughing. It was infectious (anyway I admit to a soft spot for slapstick) so soon Adam and I were laughing as well. Jupiter was in hysterics, peels of laughter coming out of her. She got every gag--just seeing the set-up--frozen steps--she'd start laughing. When Joe Pesci started slipping on the ice, Jupiter let out peels of giggles. When he kept slipping--and kept slipping--she was in full blown hysterics. What a delight it was to watch with her.
Justice had a period of time midway through the movie, when she was more interested in throwing Milly the spaniel her ball, but during the final movement of bb guns, blow torches, hot irons and tarantulas (with Jupiter in hysterics on the sofa) Justice stood at attention in front of the TV, very very interested--if not completely clued in.
I have to say, this movie gets four stars for the tightness of its plot, the genuine adorableness of McCauley Caulkin, for making me weepy at the end, and mostly for making making mother and four-year-old daughter both laugh their butts off.

Adam: **** I remember as a kid seeing a Laurel and Hardy movie where they have to get a ladder through a building. It was the funniest thing I'd ever seen. I don't know if they were going to fix a clock, or what, but the ladder was so long you couldn't tell what was happening on either end. I this movie, I really liked the part where the mother and father were in first class and all of their kids were back in coach. Of course Kevin wasn't safe, but they didn't know that at the time. It was sweet to see John Candy as the Polka king of the west. He wasn't terribly funny in this movie, but I grew up with him as a kid on SCTV. John Kasimir and I used to watch him, with Rick Moranis and that whole SCTV crew--Henry Levi. There was something really kind of innocent about this movie, Home Alone. For some reason we don't even resent their affluence. I feel that if you made a movie like this today and someone lived in a 24 room house and had unquestioned affluence that it would garner resentment. Just looking at their lights being on while they were out of town--they just had so much physically and materially. I bet if we'd have seen the burglers humble apartments in scummy Chicago we might have felt a lot for them, for having so little in a town where some people have so much. It wouldn't have been slapstick anymore. But they were the Wet Burglers, who fucked up people's houses. They were despicable, so it was funny. I'd give it four stars.

Aladdin *** 1/2

James: ***** (e-billion stars.) You know what? I loved it more than....Journey to the Center of the Earth. I LOVED it. You know what my favorite part was? The snake. I liked the whole movie.

Jupiter: ***** (81 stars) I don't know.

Justice ***** (Google stars.) I liked the snake. That's my favorite part.

Mama: ** At the news that Aladdin was going to be our movie night movie, James burst in to tears. In Amoeba Records, he proclaimed to Adam, with outrage and anger, that he knew Aladdin was going to be a one-star movie, that he didn't want to watch a movie about Princesses! He was sullen the rest of the evening, and only settled into his bathrobe and movie-watching chair with great reluctance. Sure enough, though Princess Jasmine has been hyper-marketed to girls, there was lots of lava, daggers, sabres, and then the finale--with a monstrous giant fang-filled snake. He cried at the end of the evening as well, wanting to watch the movie again, right then and there, at bed time.
Here follows my diatribe about Disney Princesses:
Jupiter loved the movie, but oddly had nothing to say about Princess Jasmine's amazing locks.
Anyone with a four-year-old girl has experienced the Princess thing, the phenomena by which, no matter how many girl wizards, girl explorers, girl construction workers or girl super heroes a girl is exposed to she winds up longing to be a princess. The most common grouping is most often the classics: the insipid Cinderella, Snow White and Sleeping Beauty. In the latter part of the 20th century, Disney proudly added Ariel the Mermaid, who even in her ocean homeland needs to be saved by a human male. Finally paying attention to a few cultural signals Disney came up with Belle, who at least was smart and opinionated. Then there are the two multi-cultural princesses, Mulan and Princess Jasmine. Rarely do you see Mulan (the Princess who kicks the most butt) with the others--I haven't seen Mulan II so maybe she doesn't actually marry the Emperor's son, thus ruining her princess status. But that's for another post. It's Jasmine I'll talk about here.
Jasmine, with her long flowing black hair, has long entranced Jupiter, and we've owned puzzles and books about Jasmine long before Jupiter ever saw the movie Aladdin. Disney tries to do spunk with Jasmine, but can't quite pull it off. Her huge rebellion is not wanting to marry a boorish, pompous prince and then sneaking out of the castle. Aladdin saves Jasmine a couple of times, and the most she can muster to help him, is batting her eyelashes at the evil sorcerer to distract him. She is no Kim Possible.
In 1937, Snow White sang "Someday my Prince will come." I see no true evolution in Jasmine, who was made fifty-five years later.
Watching Aladdin was tolerable--not painful like The Adventures of Sharkboy and Lavagirl, but it was no pleasure, like watching Shrek. Now that was a Princess.

Popi: ** I'd never seen this Disney before. I think its newness made it watchable for me. Aladdin showcases Robin Williams and Bobcat Goldthwait and they aren't my favorite things to archive from the 90's. Stephanie pointed out that this was the nadir of the Disney formula. I don't know what to say. God, it's just a Disney movie. I feel like I've seen the same--you change it from a mermaid to a lion to a sultan. Throw in the same Broadway musical numbers. Before I'd thought The Little Mermaid was culturally insensitive to aquatic life. The art is lavish. The storyline is tight. But, there's a reason the Disney formula isn't being made anymore. There's a reason Pixar came along and stole its audience--because Disney went to the well with the same formula one to many times. I'd take a well-written story over the Disney Magic any day.

The Adventures of Sharkboy and Lavagirl ***1/2

James (age 6): ***** (833 stars) I liked it when Lavagirl was running away from those dog electronical things and like, her foot came off and the lava came out. This part of her foot came off and when her knee came back close to it, it sticked back on. And I liked when the tornado wasn't really a tornado, it was Mr. Electronic. I liked the whole movie. I just loved it all. And I liked the brain fart. It was the best movie on Family Movie Night so far.

Jupiter(age 4): ***** (81 stars) I liked Lavagirl. I liked her hair. Why is her blood lava? Her shoes are her feet. I liked it when Sharkboy almost made Lavagirl sneeze. And I liked the brain fart. Mama, I want to watch Sharkboy and Lavagirl. (3rd time in a day-and-a-half.)

Justice (age 2):***** I can't tell you. It's a secret. Oh, oh. I can tell you. I like Lavagirl. I like Lavagirl and Sharkboy. (How many stars?) Ten. I said, Google.

Mama: *It's the Sunday morning after a Saturday Night Family Movie night and our kids are watching "The Adventures of Sharkboy and Lavagirl" for the second time in fifteen hours--even Justice who at age 2, has an attention span more for Dora the Explorer. Thus I have to give this a 3 star ranking akin to Swiss Family Robinson and The Wizard of Oz. Before I rented this awful movie, Adam had said to me, "We should get a movie like Sky High. There should be more Sky High movies out there." (We LOVED the smart and very under-appreciated Sky High and if we were to watch it for Family Movie Night, which we can't because we've all seen it at least ten times already, it would be a 5 star family movie.) So when James grabbed The Adventures of Sharkboy and Lavagirl I had high, high hopes. When the movie opened, with a sweet, mythical origin story, narrated by Max, I was sure we had chosen well. When we go to school with Max, and George Lopez is his teacher, Mr. Electricidad, I was still ready to be enchanted. It's when Max starts to dream (I feel that dreams and drug trips are universally boring in all books and movies) that I started doubting, and when Sharkboy and Lavagirl show up for real and take Max away to his dream planet, I settled in for what I realized was going to be a long, boring movie. Luckily, it was a pretty short boring movie, clocking in at 85 minutes. Adam and I kept glancing at each other.
"It's the script," I told Adam. "No one could deliver those lines."
"I never want to watch CG again," Adam said.
"They had so much good stuff to work with," I said. "How could they go wrong?"
"It completely rambles," Adam said.
"It's creatively lazy," I said. "The entire thing."
"There's nothing in it for adults," Adam said.
"Just a bunch of bad puns."
Then Adam posited his hot tub theory. (see below)
It's true Adam and I settle into critic mode to make it through a bad movie, and no one wants to be around our snarky selves when we do that. The kids are oblivious to our chatter though. James is sitting in his movie-watching recliner, wearing his bathrobe, eyes glittering as huge electircal plugs attack Max, Sharkboy and Lava girl. Jupiter is wide-eyed, obviously marvelling at the way Lavagirl's hair has just turned into pink flames, and Justice turns her head to hide in my shouder, then looks back at the screen, both scared and fascinated. No doubt about it. For them, it's five stars.

Popi: * I'd seen advertisements for this movie and it looked like a no-brainer winner. A boy who's a shark? A girl who shoots lava? Children's academy award winner. But then this movie never seemed to come to the theaters and I never heard of it again. After viewing it, now I know why. Hollywood has discovered the secret to a good movie is pleasing the whole family, so that kids are wowed by talking cars, and adults recognize the "Car Talk" Guys making sardonic commentary. What I'm trying to say is that there is nothing, nada, niet, in this movie for adults. Unless you think boogers are funny. The graphics are cheesy unless you've never seen graphics before. Which means they wowed our kids. After watching the movie I discovered that it had been made in 3D, which explains all the spitting, spit wads and pihrana fish flying at the viewer. All this is sad, because Rodriguez has some real talent and Lopez is really funny. My wife and I decided that the two of them cooked the script idea up in a hot tub, with a bong, in 90 minutes, while their wives were watching the children. The concept is great. A boy raised by sharks in the hollow of a mythical shark island. Lava Girl, possessor of ultimate power, but destroying of everything she touches. Even the quirky grade school teacher, Mr. Electricidad, promised a humorous and different story. Perhaps there should have been one more hot tub bong-hit session, to make a second draft of the script. I never want to dream again after watching this movie. I'm on the side of the evil mother and teacher who tell Max to quit dreaming. The word "dream" is uttered 1,001 times in this movie and you'll never want to dream again after this movie. Just take a Xanax and wake up when this movie's over, dreamless and without recollection.

Wall-E (with guest commentary by movie hostess Grandma Pat) ***1/2

James: *** I thought it was exactly three (stars.)I liked it when he (Wall-e)was separate from the sun but in outer space and he got more power. I liked it when Wall-e was chasing toward Eva. And I liked him racing and racing all the way until he found Eva. I liked it when the rocketship landed and poor Wall-e got all hot and burning orange, but he wasn't on fire. And he was like (shaking gesture) when he was rising from the rocks. It was funny when Wall-e ran over his cockroach by accident. I gave it three stars instead of five because I only liked a little bit of the parts. I liked Bolt better. Wall-E was better than The Black Stallion. I wish when Wall-e ran over his cockroach by accident his cockroach would die, but it didn't in the movie.

Jupiter: ***** (Google stars)

Grandma Pat: ***We watched Wall-E the morning of the dryer disaster and after going to the zoo which involved several hours of driving. It's possible that Grandma napped occasionally through this movie. But it was cute. I thought Wall-e was cute.

Mama: ***The beginning of this movie, which establishes Wall-e's world is lovely. The post-apocalyptic landscape, with towers of compacted trash on an earth abandoned of all life, is fascinating in all of its small details. Wall-e is a sweet character at peace with the immensity of his own longing, until Eve arrives. His pursuit of her, regardless of her self-protective (and destructive) nature is so sweet. You really root for them. I've seen this movie several times, on the big screen (interupted by a two-year old's conviction that she needed to go to the bathroom every fifteen minutes) and on DVD after a stiff White Russian, so I think it's possible I haven't yet seen all of this movie, but I suspect when Wall-E gets to the human mothership things aren't as interesting. The animation at the beginning of the movie is amazing, but the humans, as doughy, baby-like creatures are over-indulged, visually disturbing and hard to connect to. The ending is sweet though, and I can't blame anyone but myself if I dozed off a little in the middle. I do suspect though, that the movie doesn't completely live up to its early promise. I did love the closing credits, establishing Wall-e in a mythic tradition. It worked on a different level than the narrative and I thought it was very moving.

Bolt (matinee viewing) *****

James: ***** I liked it when the building went on fire and when Penny went to the hospital and at the end when her face was brand new. Green-eyed man got a poisonous shot and was about to stick it in her then Bolt shot out and stopped him, and I liked when Bolt was dragging the cat's leash and I liked when the cat banged her head against the garbage can and I liked it when the kidnapper kidnapped Bolt and the green-eyed man caught Penny in the cage and took her away from Bolt. The funniest part was when the hamster was breathing on his ball and it started to turn white and he drew, like a face on it and you could see the building through it. It's better than Kit Kittredge but Journey to the Center of the Earth is the best.

Jupiter (age 4):*****(81 stars) I liked it when the cat banged against the mailbox and I liked it when Bolt got hooked onto a string and I liked it when he tied the cat. I liked it when the human said to Bolt, "Oh, sweetie, are you lost?" and then he ran away when she put him on a leash, and I liked it when the cat jumped off the train. I like it when Bolt hit Cat on the head and when cat hit Bolt on the head and when he didn't know what blood was. He was like, "What's that red stuff coming out of my paw?" and the cat said, "It's blood." I like it when Bolt hugged Penny.

Justice (age 2): *****I liked the cat and hamster and Penny. The cat was funny and Bolt and the hamster.

Grandma Pat: *****My favorite part of the movie was the reunion scene, and I liked how mittens came to be such a good mentor, teaching Bolt how to be a real dog instead of a super hero. I thought it was a real good buddy flick that the kids could relate to. I thought the opening sequence was pretty good witht he girl-hero.

Mama: ***** This movie was an absolute delight. It had everything a kid could want, a high-speed motorcycle/razor chase scene, a girl with cool gadgets trying to save her father from evil villains, a dog with a supersonic bark. But Bolt the dog, like Truman, is really the hapless, unknowing star of a TV show and so is about to embark on a huge search for his identity. That, the knowing critique of the film industry and the buddy movie aspect of this movie is what makes it enjoyable for adults. I love how Mittens the cat teaches Bolt how to be a dog and we get a glimpse of her dog-envy, when she attempts to beg for food herself and gets told to scat. I've got a theory that the Pixar movie is one of the few remaining options for an interesting women's role. Since the male (leading) character is often of a different species from their buddy sidekick, that sidekick can be female, without having any of the complications of sexual attraction (or needing to be saved every other scene.) Ellen Degeneris as Dory can navigate the Pacific with Marlon, with great chemistry, and some antagonism without there needing to be a wedding at the end of the movie. Likewise, Mittens, voiced by Susie Essman to Bolt's John Travolta can be road-trip sidekicks without the need for them to fall in love. The family they form at the end has way more potential than what Cinderella got stuck with.
Oh, and the sycophantic hamster was ADORABLE.