Swiss Family Robinson **1/2

Mama: *** There are some genuinely tense moments in this movie for kids to love: the shipwreck scene, the raft scene where the family navigates through waves and rocks to try and get to shore, the swamp snake scene! Also, lots of animal antics. But at some point I started wondering, aren't there any girls (besides the Mother) in this movie? I glanced at Jupiter nervously. Her pleasure in movie viewing is often connected to how pretty the main character's hair is and what kind of high-heels she has on, and what accesories she carries, and there was no sign 45 minutes in to there being any girl characters with pretty hair showing up anytime soon. "Don't I remember a girl in this movie?" I asked Adam. And sure enough, we got our girl. This movie was made in 1960, so the female characters are insipid at best, pathetic at worst, with no chance for growth or redemption by the end of the movie. Roberta, though a good shot, uses her marksmanship to play one suitor against another, and never takes aim at a single pirate. I know if the movie was remade with Lindsay Lohan, she'd kick way more but by the end of the movie.
Oh, James MacArthur who later in his career will play Detective Danny Williams from "Hawaii 5-0," looked studly without his shirt on.

Popi:***Disney crack for a little boy: giant snake attack, a tiger disposable pirates coconut hand grenades, a shark, big dogs swinging from vines, a wild animal race filmed at double speed, etc. For little girls there’s almost nothing. There was a cute monkey. For adults, the movie would help you understand your grandparents’ protestant work ethic, irreligious belief in a higher power and sense of dominion over a world that has no other purpose than to serve them. It would also help you understand the corset, the parasol and the vapors.

James: * It was boring. I liked the ship in the storm. (he fell asleep before the giant snake pulled one of the brothers under the water.)

Jupiter: I don't remember it. (She fell asleep before we discover the boy they rescue from pirates is really a girl.)

Justice, age 2: **I liked it but it was a little bit boring.