The Adventures of Sharkboy and Lavagirl ***1/2

James (age 6): ***** (833 stars) I liked it when Lavagirl was running away from those dog electronical things and like, her foot came off and the lava came out. This part of her foot came off and when her knee came back close to it, it sticked back on. And I liked when the tornado wasn't really a tornado, it was Mr. Electronic. I liked the whole movie. I just loved it all. And I liked the brain fart. It was the best movie on Family Movie Night so far.

Jupiter(age 4): ***** (81 stars) I liked Lavagirl. I liked her hair. Why is her blood lava? Her shoes are her feet. I liked it when Sharkboy almost made Lavagirl sneeze. And I liked the brain fart. Mama, I want to watch Sharkboy and Lavagirl. (3rd time in a day-and-a-half.)

Justice (age 2):***** I can't tell you. It's a secret. Oh, oh. I can tell you. I like Lavagirl. I like Lavagirl and Sharkboy. (How many stars?) Ten. I said, Google.

Mama: *It's the Sunday morning after a Saturday Night Family Movie night and our kids are watching "The Adventures of Sharkboy and Lavagirl" for the second time in fifteen hours--even Justice who at age 2, has an attention span more for Dora the Explorer. Thus I have to give this a 3 star ranking akin to Swiss Family Robinson and The Wizard of Oz. Before I rented this awful movie, Adam had said to me, "We should get a movie like Sky High. There should be more Sky High movies out there." (We LOVED the smart and very under-appreciated Sky High and if we were to watch it for Family Movie Night, which we can't because we've all seen it at least ten times already, it would be a 5 star family movie.) So when James grabbed The Adventures of Sharkboy and Lavagirl I had high, high hopes. When the movie opened, with a sweet, mythical origin story, narrated by Max, I was sure we had chosen well. When we go to school with Max, and George Lopez is his teacher, Mr. Electricidad, I was still ready to be enchanted. It's when Max starts to dream (I feel that dreams and drug trips are universally boring in all books and movies) that I started doubting, and when Sharkboy and Lavagirl show up for real and take Max away to his dream planet, I settled in for what I realized was going to be a long, boring movie. Luckily, it was a pretty short boring movie, clocking in at 85 minutes. Adam and I kept glancing at each other.
"It's the script," I told Adam. "No one could deliver those lines."
"I never want to watch CG again," Adam said.
"They had so much good stuff to work with," I said. "How could they go wrong?"
"It completely rambles," Adam said.
"It's creatively lazy," I said. "The entire thing."
"There's nothing in it for adults," Adam said.
"Just a bunch of bad puns."
Then Adam posited his hot tub theory. (see below)
It's true Adam and I settle into critic mode to make it through a bad movie, and no one wants to be around our snarky selves when we do that. The kids are oblivious to our chatter though. James is sitting in his movie-watching recliner, wearing his bathrobe, eyes glittering as huge electircal plugs attack Max, Sharkboy and Lava girl. Jupiter is wide-eyed, obviously marvelling at the way Lavagirl's hair has just turned into pink flames, and Justice turns her head to hide in my shouder, then looks back at the screen, both scared and fascinated. No doubt about it. For them, it's five stars.

Popi: * I'd seen advertisements for this movie and it looked like a no-brainer winner. A boy who's a shark? A girl who shoots lava? Children's academy award winner. But then this movie never seemed to come to the theaters and I never heard of it again. After viewing it, now I know why. Hollywood has discovered the secret to a good movie is pleasing the whole family, so that kids are wowed by talking cars, and adults recognize the "Car Talk" Guys making sardonic commentary. What I'm trying to say is that there is nothing, nada, niet, in this movie for adults. Unless you think boogers are funny. The graphics are cheesy unless you've never seen graphics before. Which means they wowed our kids. After watching the movie I discovered that it had been made in 3D, which explains all the spitting, spit wads and pihrana fish flying at the viewer. All this is sad, because Rodriguez has some real talent and Lopez is really funny. My wife and I decided that the two of them cooked the script idea up in a hot tub, with a bong, in 90 minutes, while their wives were watching the children. The concept is great. A boy raised by sharks in the hollow of a mythical shark island. Lava Girl, possessor of ultimate power, but destroying of everything she touches. Even the quirky grade school teacher, Mr. Electricidad, promised a humorous and different story. Perhaps there should have been one more hot tub bong-hit session, to make a second draft of the script. I never want to dream again after watching this movie. I'm on the side of the evil mother and teacher who tell Max to quit dreaming. The word "dream" is uttered 1,001 times in this movie and you'll never want to dream again after this movie. Just take a Xanax and wake up when this movie's over, dreamless and without recollection.